We regularly use the ferries here on the west coast of Scotland and have been fascinated by the pre-recorded public information announcements. Below are some improvements I’m suggesting, in the spirit of the originals, for when they get around to updating them:
Passengers who have spent the last week camping in the wild and now smell like the floor of a slaughterhouse holding pen should make their way to the designated waiting area for hosing down prior to boarding.
For the comfort and convenience of other passengers people travelling with young children are requested to keep them sedated. A selection of wines, spirits and bludgeons are available in the gift shop for this purpose.
Unattended children will be cast adrift. Parents or guardians can claim their children from the Calmac office at Oban, from the shoreline of Jura or the Antarctic, depending upon the tide.
Children should not be held above the height of the handrails unless they have gained their 5 metres swimming certificate or they belong to someone else.
Will the driver of the silver Range Rover please return to your vehicle and turn the sodding alarm off.
Will the driver of the yellow Ferrari Testosterone please return to your vehicle and don't come back to Mull until you've brought a proper car.
In the event of an emergency, like bumping into a lighthouse, being boarded by pirates or running out of those nice ginger biscuits dipped in chocolate, you will hear 7 blasts on the ships alarm followed by a long splash as the crew frantically row for shore on the only available lifeboat.
In the not altogether unlikely event of the ship sinking there are a few old lifebuoys in the cleaning cupboard behind the crusty bottle of Cif. Only passengers familiar with COSHH regulations and in possession of an up to date certificate may access this cupboard. Other passengers are advised to grab onto suitable buoyant apparatus such as foam seat covers, otters or tubby people.
If you are planning on hitchhiking to Iona please consider availing yourself of some local shops, buses, public houses or tourist attractions on the way - yer tight basted.
Passengers complaining about it being too cold, too hot, too wet or too midgy are invited to shut up and remember that they are in Scotland.
To avoid pestering our staff the following answers should be remembered by all passengers:
Thank you for travelling with us. This information will now be repeated in Gaelic, but since you won’t understand a word of it really it’s just Eilidh’s recipe for Cullen Skink, unless it’s a Saturday when Iain will be reading out the shinty results.
Last one off gets the drinks in; mines a sweet sherry and Eilidh will have a pint of heavy.